A.Z. Black Quotes

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.

Political audiences are not fun.

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.

I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.

I really wanted to talk about the War on Terror and say that both sides were completely incompetent [in addressing it]. You can't blame the other side when you're involved in it.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.

Everybody's got cable.

I think writing for anybody helps you order your life. It helps you arrange your emotions and your thoughts and it helps to provide perspective.

There is something about the human condition. I don't think dogs are like "If only I was a poodle instead of a golden retriever, I'd be totally happy." Dogs are happy with who they are.

I probably should be thinking of better ideas on how to promote myself, but I don't really spend a lot of time doing it. I really don't know how to promote effectively.

Hosting a game show is so bizarre and uniquely its own thing. Anytime I'm hosting something, I try to bring as much of myself to it as I can, but it's always going to be incomplete.

The Atkins' diet is where you eat bacon for six or seven months...and the end result is that you lose weight. Because you're dead.

I hope you die.... P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.

The global business climate is likewhatever, dude.

My goal is to work. That's the goal of most actors or performers: to work and keep working, and do the best you can, and keep growing and changing, trying to improve your craft.

If I revise a children's book, if I'm spending three hours on the first draft, I'm probably spending 30 minutes revising it. I mean, come on! But to redo a painting? That's hard work.

The illustrators work so much harder on the books than the writers do. I mean, that's so much work doing what they do, and it's terrible for them.

I don't really read children's books or deal with children's books, so I don't have any relationship with them other than my own.

There's things I know I'm good at, and those things interest me less and less. I learn a lot more from doing it wrong than I do from doing it right.

I imagine there's a level of narcissism that goes into thinking you're enough.

That's been my fear all along. That I'm not enough, and I still don't trust at all that I am.