Adam Carolla Quotes

I get depressed at airports.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

My motto is "more mystery, less history".

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

My first car was a motorcycle.

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

I am not a good cue card reader.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

I know everything because I know nothing.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

I'd never hurt another person.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.