Al Lewis Quotes

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation

Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.

Political audiences are not fun.

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.

I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.

I really wanted to talk about the War on Terror and say that both sides were completely incompetent [in addressing it]. You can't blame the other side when you're involved in it.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.

Everybody's got cable.

When we know as much about people as hog specialists know about hogs, we'll be better off.

The doctrines which the Jews had been spreading throughout the land for years could not but have helped to undermine the Church's power.

When it was seen that many of the wicked seemed quite untroubled by evil conscience ... then the idea of future suffering was advanced.