Alan Coren Quotes
I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.
There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when you get in?
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes.
Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a "Wirtschaftswunder," which can be briefly translated as "The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one."
Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?