Alan King Quotes

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.

The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.

My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

I was a high school throw-out.

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.

Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend, ' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.

If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books.