Ambrose Bierce Quotes

Youth is Gilead, in which is balm for every wound.

Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.

Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is, instead of as it should be.

A chop is a piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants.

Age - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no longer the vigor to commit.

MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration.

JOSS-STICKS- Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.

READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.

Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.

SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as... the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt.

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground.

WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard.

SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness.

SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks.

GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.

INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.

The Senate is a body of old men charged with high duties and misdemeanors.

Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.

Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery.

An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured on his lips to revive him.

The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider

BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker.

DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.

You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain honest.

RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.

RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect.

PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.

Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.

RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be construed as indifference.

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

alone, adj. In bad company.

A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.

Die: To stop sinning suddenly.

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.

WINE, n.Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

Disobey n:To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command

At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable.