Ambrose Bierce Quotes
MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.
MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.
HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.
APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad Philosopher," 1697
OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph."
LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.
Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.
Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.
Contempt; the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that
Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.
Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude . . .
A miracle is an act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted.
Respectability, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.
Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
