Ambrose Bierce Quotes

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Advice, the smallest current coin.

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

Noise: a stench in the ear.

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

When in Rome, do as Rome does.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.

PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death.

PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation.

HASH: There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.

To seek a justification for a decision already made.

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

Peace in international affairs: a period of cheating between periods of fighting

Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.

To the eye of failure success is an accident.

The circus a place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.

Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.

Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.

Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.

Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity.

For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.

We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them.

PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.

ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need