Ambrose Bierce Quotes

MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women.

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

MONSIGNOR- A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages.

OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.

NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high life.

OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes.

BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.

AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.

RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.

ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.

PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.

DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.

SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as... the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt.

POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.

JOSS-STICKS- Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.

MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration.

OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground.

Age - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no longer the vigor to commit.

A chop is a piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants.

Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is, instead of as it should be.

Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.

WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard.

Youth is Gilead, in which is balm for every wound.

When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine own is open at thy feet.

Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

Erudition - dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.

Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness.

adherent, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks.

GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.

INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.

pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection.

applause, n. The echo of a platitude.

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.

Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider

POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.

The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.