Andy Borowitz Quotes

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.

To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.

John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.