Andy Rooney Quotes

Don't keep saying, "I don't know where the time goes." It goes the same place it's always gone and no one has ever known where that is.

I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?

I've learned... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.

I've learned ... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Almost all of us have an elevator or two in our lives somewhere. We wait for them, we ride on them. We're annoyed by the wait but pleased with the lift.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

I've learned... that just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

I've learned... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?". She doesn't care what you think.

You're almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don't let that stop you from popping off.

In Washington, a confidential assistant is someone who, if you don't want to know something, you go and ask him and he won't tell you.

I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.

I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40 +, there is a balding, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

The English language is more complex than calculus because numbers don't have nuances.

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There's a kind of glory to them when they're all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.

The best thing about a vacation is planning it.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare.

I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows.

There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?

In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.

Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he'd be a chef.

I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!

When you get older you have to be careful about always saying, "Things aren't as good as they used to be." But it's hard not to.

Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.

I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

Most of the people in the world are good and decent if you give them a chance to be.

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

I've learned... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.