Andy Rooney Quotes

I had one typewriter for 50 years, but I have bought seven computers in six years. I suppose that's why Bill Gates is rich, and Underwood is out of business.

When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.

I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

If I'd known how many problems I was going to run into before I finished, I can't remember a single project I would have started.

Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.

Walking is good for the soul.

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

Every one starts out being an atheist.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren't new at all.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

The last birthday that's any good is 23.

Most of us aren't that interested in getting rich- we just don't want to get poor.

I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.

Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time.

Finding the tool is often half the battle.

Dogs are nicer than people.

One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.

Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.

Those of us who don't have a party affiliation ought to be able to register under the heading "Confused.

Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he's written that can't be read aloud easily.

One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend.

All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don't know what they're talking about.

Conservatives are more religious than liberals--although there is no evidence that they're nicer people because of it.

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?

It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.

I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.

Believing is such a comfort that it's hard to give up a belief just because it isn't true.

The great virtue of being alone is that your mind can go its own way.

No one ever writes a book in which he is the bad guy.

My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.

... all of us talk faster than we listen.

In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.

Creativity is a by-product of hard work. If I never have another really new idea, it won't matter.

Great teachers are usually a little crazy.

I've learned... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.

It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often and that passes for good on television.

By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable

Person-to-person, most people are honest.

One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.

Numbers tend to give the impression that there's more order in the world than there is.

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.