Anonymous Quotes

God created man and then woman but the atheist created himself.

Let's all give God a great big hand. I've seen the last page of the bible and it's going to turn out all right.

The Church of England is the Tory party at prayer.

The test for a prophet is in the Bible. It is this. "When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord if the thing follow not nor come to pass that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken."

Your past is always going to be the way it was. Stop trying to change it.

The error of the past is the success of the future. A mistake is evidence that someone tried to do something.

Reforms should begin at home and stay there.

Luck is good planning carefully executed.

To dream too much of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.

So often we search out the impossible and then throw ourselves into trying to do it.

Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously they've never heard me tell a joke.

Unless each day can be looked back upon by an individual as one in which he has had some fun some joy some real satisfaction that day is a loss.

A day is a span of time no one is wealthy enough to waste.

Time is the arbitrary division of eternity.

An hour of pain is as long as a day of pleasure.

Time is the tyrant of the body.

Time is the dressing room for eternity.

As my mother used to say: "Mimic a duck act calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like crazy underneath."

Some people might say that I think too highly of you just because I worship the water you walk on.

An evening like this would be empty without some reference to [politics] so let's just think of this as empty.

I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality. . . . Look up warm and it means "not so hot."

A speech that's full of sparkling wit will keep its hearer grinning provided its end is close to its beginning.

The recipe for a good speech includes some shortening.

We noticed a crasher at the bar - that shows what a real man he is - he's here to show he's not ticked for not being asked.

Response to clapping: "Thank you for ovating."

When I told her we were going to roast her she said "Of course . . . they only crucify the innocent."

As one skeleton said to the other - if I had any guts I'd get the heck out of here.

Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection.

We were worried that our main speaker wouldn't be able to make it tonight. But fortunately due to a hole in the prosecution's case . . .

I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.

When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied "There's a first time for everything so try to be funny and brief."

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of God no matter what the conflict.

When at night you cannot sleep talk to the Shepherd and stop counting sheep.

Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain causes eyes to sparkle cheeks to glow blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.

If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?

A mother is a person who if she is not there when you get home from school you wouldn't know how to get your dinner and you wouldn't feel like eating it anyway.

Anything which parents have not learned from experience they can now learn from their children.

Man endures pain as an undeserved punishment woman accepts it as a natural heritage.

Keep a thing seven years and you will find a use for it.

Better a fearful end than fear without end.

An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.

I'm moving down here . . . because some of you in the back might not be able to hear my talk . . . and that wouldn't be fair to those who can hear it.

Opportunity knocks but once.

Optimism: A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.

The apples on the other side of the wall are the sweetest.

What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others.

Acorns were good till bread was found.

Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.