Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.