Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

The world is full of horrible things.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.