Art Buchwald Quotes

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

Every once in a while your world stands still... There are certain friendships that are so important they leave a mark on you long after the person is gone.

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.

Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.

Over the years I have met a lot of important people, but no one as important as Elvis Presley.

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.