Arthur Smith Quotes

I'm an armchair kind of guy, especially when it's raining, which it always is and always will be.

The outfits come and go but there is a constant that I like about the catwalk model: the snotty expression.

If you want to be happy for a short time, get drunk happy for a long time, fall in love; happy forever, take up gardening.

My eyebrows could do with a trim.

Don Quixote's 'Delusions' is an excellent read - far better than my own forthcoming travel book, 'Walking Backwards Across Tuscany.'

I see my large nose, like half an avocado. I broke it falling downstairs when I was six, and it now resembles a large blob of play-dough.

It is more interesting to be compared to someone famous, because it lets you gauge what perceptions people have about your appearance.

Reading the play at home, however fulfilling, can never be the vivacious experience that Shakespeare intended.

An uninspiring canvas becomes a glamorous masterpiece when it is reattributed to a better-known artist.

The moon puts on an elegant show, different every time in shape, colour and nuance.

I couldn't really see the point of having lunch unless it started at 1:00 and ended a week later in Monte Carlo.

The real change that paintings undergo is in the perceptions of the viewer.

Listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 is the most miserable thing any human being can do, but attending awards ceremonies isn't far behind.

It's worth turning up to an awards gig if you know you've won one but, since you never do know, it's not worth it.

My sister-in-law believes that few narratives are so tightly constructed that you can't skip boring bits and still keep abreast of what's going on.

I read 'Crime and Punishment' years ago and don't recall the details of it, but I do retain a strong sense of the creeping paranoia and panic.

It was Julie Burchill who decreed that, beyond a certain age, a man should not be seen in a leather jacket.

I am 54 and age is slowly writing itself on my face.

I abhor nothing more than bumping into someone I know on the Tube.

Every generation of children has its private hero.

After you've read a novel, you only retain a vague memory of its contents. You remember the atmosphere, the odd image or phrase or vivid cameo.

Obviously I am not bothered about men's fashion - is anyone, apart from Jonathan Ross?

Acting is the most demanding, painful job in the world.

Acting in a stage play is like working the evening shift in an office.

The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.

About every four years, someone says to me, "I've got a friend who looks exactly like you." What can you say to this?

I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags.

I like doing things I haven't learnt about yet. I've always been interested in art, and I love doing art.

If you want to write something of length, however modern and radical, you must live the life of an elderly gentleman of the 1950s.

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.

Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners.

Occasionally I find a travel book that is both illuminating and entertaining, where vivid writing and research replace self-indulgence and sloppy prose.

Travel books are, by and large, boring. They lodge uncomfortably between fact, fiction and autobiography.

I've noticed that my resolutions involve me not doing stuff that I wasn't going to do anyway so here's something more positive. I'm going to retrain as a Latin teacher in a provincial public school.