Artie Lange Quotes

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

It's good to be alive.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.