Aziz Ansari Quotes

You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.

Come on, man, I got a full beard!

Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped...RIGHT NOW?

I can't think of any bank robbery comedy where it's about two normal guys. It's kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which is a cool combo, and it's just fun doing a normal guy that's robbing a bank.

Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.

When you meet someone you really like and connect with, I think that's very special, and not to be taken for granted.

Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy.

I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs.

I prefer being totally sober myself.

Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them.

If it's possible, I binge. There are other shows, like 'The Americans' and 'Game of Thrones,' I watch and have to wait a week.

The most influential thing was the two Chris Rock specials that came out when I was in high school. I was obsessed with that stuff.

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

I've never done online dating.

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat. When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour.

London seems to be a town with a lot of comedy fans and people that really enjoy stand-up.

I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship.

To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.

It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on one I think is really good.

Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.

With stand-up, it's more interesting to hear about people's failures than their successes.

You don't know Jay-Z's scedule. He's a renaissance man.

What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.

We've always been divided by some of these big political issues. It's fine. As long as we treat each other with respect and remember that ultimately, we're all Americans, we'll be fine.

Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

I think absurdist humor is funny.

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'

I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.

I know my fan base is a smart group of people.

Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.

I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run.

Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.

Maybe that's why I don't like religion because the first introduction to it was, you don't get to do that thing you just discovered that you really enjoy.

I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I've really had.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.

I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.

Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you.

I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.

Come cook food with me and do nothing.

I'm the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone.

The ''good-enough marriage'' is definitely not good enough for today's singles. We're not content to marry someone who happens to live down the street and gets along okay with our parents.

In today's romantic climate, many people are plagued by what we will call "the upgrade problem". Singles constantly wonder whether there is a better match, an upgrade.