Bill Bailey Quotes

In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Three women walk into a pub and say, 'Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Work hard, save and live within your means.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

Contentment is knowing you're right

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"