Bill Engvall Quotes

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

You can't climb a tile wall.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.

In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships.