Bill Hicks Quotes

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet.

We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.

It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.

Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?

The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas.

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.

Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]

What are you reading for?

I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells.

I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.

....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?

I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties.

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night

I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day.

It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.

You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?

Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?

I've been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.

We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God - I am killing me!

I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.

I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life.

It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.

Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.

So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever.

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

You all saw him - he had a gun.

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet.

And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?

I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic

I want my rockstars dead.

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.