Bill Maher Quotes

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

I feel like I'm wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.

At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.

Have you ever met a war you didn't love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?

Denying racism is the new racism.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

The answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach.

Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it's the name of one of Obama's kids.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.

If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.

Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss.

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there's a few turds in the box.

The plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live.

I'm for the death penalty, I'm pro-abortion, I'm pro-assisted suicide, I'm pro-regular suicide. Anything that'll get the traffic moving.

What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and not eat the fries on the way home.

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy's sister, endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, said he's not a womanizer. Of course by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge.

Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.