Billy Connolly Quotes

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

Don't die until you're dead.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.

The more you know the less the better.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.