Bob Hope Quotes

I can still chase women, only downhill

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.

I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.

Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.

Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.

I'm from Los Angeles... I don't trust any air I can't see.

Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

Television is the box they buried entertainment in.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.