Bob Monkhouse Quotes

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

I got my start in silent radio.

I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Personally, I don’t think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?