Carlos Mencia Quotes

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

If your gonna drop out of school / tough grades are not your goal / then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.

God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

America is such a great country, we have fat poor people.

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

Know your religion, know who you are and don't be ashamed.

The problem with the world is there's too many stupid people and nobody to eat them.

Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

Do not encourage my behaviour.

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!

When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!

The essence of what makes life beautiful is the fact that it can go away.

If God made Adam and Eve, they had children... wait a minute... that means someone banged their sister!

I never, nor will I, put another person down to feel better about myself. I will live and die by what I do, not what anyone else thinks about me.

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

I don't need anybody, I'm successful in life enough to buy myself a f'ing sandwich.

If you aren't laughing, you aren't living!

In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.

At the end of the day, I don't think I am going to be judged by what happened in the 90's and 2000's, at the end of the day my career will be judged from beginning to end and everything in between.

Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.

I grew up in the projects and I know how important it is for kids to have hope.

If you ask me right now, you've seen the last of Mind of Mencia. I don't want to be a one-trick pony. I would rather walk away and do more movies, comedy and even some dramatic roles.

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.

Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!

I'm not white, I don't apologize for what my country did to become great

And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.

It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?