Carol Burnett Quotes

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.

Before you go to bed, write down three 'gratefuls' for the day and three 'did wells' (they can even include something as simple as doing the laundry)-the results can be amazing!

It's almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington.

You have to have faith that there is a reason you go through certain things. I can't say I'm glad to go through pain, but in a way one must, in order to gain courage and really feel joy.

If someone tells you that you cannot do something and you believe it, they are right.

It's also selfish because it makes you feel good when you help others. I've been helped by acts of kindness from strangers. That's why we're here, after all, to help others.

It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers.

No one ever said life was fair. Just Eventful.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself.

We don't stop going to school when we graduate.

Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.

I had a good loud voice and I wasn't afraid to be goofy or zany.

You do have to love your kids enough to let them hate you. But it's the disease that's hating you, not them.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

If you want to know the feeling [of labor pain], just take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.

Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.

Because nobody goes through life without a scar.

Well, I don't know how astute I am, but I did want to be a journalist when I was growing up.

I'm really not that funny in real life. But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh.

But I didn't ask to have somebody nose around in my private life. I didn't even ask to be famous. All I asked was to be able to earn a living making people laugh.

Comedy = tragedy + time.

I couldn't get the laughter out of my head. It wasn't career. It wasn't even a choice. It was a calling.

But I don't begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it's just to put a roof over your head and food on the table.

I have always grown from my problems and challenges, from the things that don't work out, that's when I've really learned.

The audience is never wrong.

I wish my mother had left me something about how she felt growing up. I wish my grandmother had done the same. I wanted my girls to know me.

I love the writing. I love the idea of typing and seeing it on the computer and printing it out myself and, you know, moving sentences around. I like that.

I liked myself better when I wasnt me.

I think we're here for each other.

If you see a kid in school, who is a little shy ... that's when you should reach out. When you do, you are going to open up a flower and discover something wonderful.

My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away.

there were times when I was more at home in front of millions of people than I was at home.

My interesting diet tips are eat early and don't nosh between meals. I mean, I can pack it away.

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'

I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman, and a guard burst in with a gun! Now I only do it under controlled circumstances.

I never regretted turning down anything, I never regretted losing a job because I always felt something else was out there.

You know, one wonderful thing that came out of my Enquirer experience is that, in my case, it was ruled tabloids are magazines. Which means they didn't have the protection that a newspaper has.

People invite me to dinner not because I can cook, but because I like to clean up. I get immediate gratification from windex. Yes, I do windows.

I don't eat much meat, fish, or poultry.

I don't remember a time when I wasn't waiting for a scab either to grow or to fall off my knee.

I think the hardest thing to do in the world, show-business-wise, is write comedy.

What I like to write about is stuff I know. I don't think I could write a novel. I don't think I have it in me to come up with those kinds of characters.

I have a great memory.

Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Originally, I came from Texas, and we lived on - I guess you'd call it welfare, what we called relief.

As far as sitcoms go, I thought Jenna Elfman in 'Dharma and Greg' was a wonderful physical comedienne who had great timing.