Chelsea Handler Quotes

Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.

When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.

Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?

I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.

I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

The important thing is to be drunk.

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.

Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.

No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.