Chelsea Handler Quotes

For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony.

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.

I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka.

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied — so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.

To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’

Women don't have to be jealous of other women.

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!

My life and my legs have been an open book.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.

There should be a talent that goes along with being famous.

That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time.

People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.

[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.