Chelsea Handler Quotes

It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.

Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.

I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.

I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.

When you have a vision, you have to see it through, and you can make anything happen. You really can, especially in this [entertainment ] industry.

Before any exposure on TV, I'm a real chef.

I couldn't go any higher with three Michelin stars. I mastered my craft. I'm still learning and picking up ideas.

People push my buttons, so I'm going to react.

As a woman, we should all stop talking about it and just acknowledge what's happened and act like we own the space, because we do.

My message is strong and my belief is strong, in the fact that we can still be provocative and have fun and just get informed.

That's the problem in my industry. Anyone can go and open a f - ing hotel. Anyone can go and buy a restaurant. It's not like a doctor or a lawyer, you need certain qualifications. That's the issue.

Reality TV's pretty tricky for me. I don't really watch anything like that, because I think it's brain-sucking.

I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in.

It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.

I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything

A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.

I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.

I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.

Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life.

The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.

I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.

I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.

People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?

Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.

Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'