Chic Murray Quotes

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.