Chris Rock Quotes

Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra anything but another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof!

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.

Women need food, water, and compliments That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

For the most part, comedy is the only fair part of show business.

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

Is America ready for a black president? Well, I say we just had a retarded one. When did being black become a bigger deterrent than being retarded?

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Babies don't know who's rich and who's poor. You love 'em and they're happy.

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.

I met so many people after I got rich and famous, and I learned that you can't ultimately trust people unless they were your friends when you were broke.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

I see guys who can't make 10 percent of what I make, and yet they have four Bentleys, three houses, and four bodyguards.

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.

No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

I mean no disrespect to anything I did before.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

We got no wealthy black people. We got rich people. Shaq is rich. The guy who signs his checks is wealthy.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

A black Christian is like a black person with no memory.

People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.

They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.

That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!

I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, Gee, I've got something here.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

You know you're rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you're on your property.

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

Eddie Murphy is to comedians what Nicki Minaj is to Spanx.

When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

I never had the confidence to say I was going to be in front of the camera as a comedian until I saw Eddie Murphy years later.

Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession.

I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.

Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me Mister Rock.

I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.

I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.

The only plan I have is to not do anything I don't want to do - and to never work just for money.

I love black people, but I hate niggers.