Chris Rock Quotes

I know what you're thinking: why is Chris Rock bagging groceries? But I dropped out of high school in the tenth grade, so if I couldn't tell jokes this is exactly what I'd be doing.

If you told me two years I would miss the greatest basketball game ever to hang out with Nathan Lane, I'd say, 'You're crazy!'

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

You just got to be really logical when you're a comedian - to a fault. Like a lawyer's got to believe in the law.

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

No, I want big ol' titties in my face!

There's a difference between racism and "I don't know any better. I'm clueless." Racism is like, "I'm trying to make you feel bad." That's racism.

Unlike flying or astral projection, walking through walls is an earthbound pursuit.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

Men are handicapped when it comes to arguing, 'cause we have a need to make sense.

Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect.

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

I want to really take chances. I want to be funny in a lot of different ways. I'd like to be great. I want to reach for greatness.

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.

I live way below my means.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

I'll go with the guy with one house. The guy with one house is scared about losing his house.

There's bad and then there's EDDY CURRY BAD.

My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'

Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.

You're not famous unless people's mothers know who you are. Everybody else, you think you're famous, but you're just hot, and heat cools off.

Though part of me had always wanted to be a comedian, another part of me had always wanted to be Bryant Gumbel or Dan Rather.

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

When you're doing a big-budget movie and you're four on the call sheet, you've got a lot of free time.

The thing about having an audience right there laughing is that critics can write what they want, but the proof is right there in front of you.

If you're the president you only have two jobs: peace and money.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!

Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

I love seeing black people do normal things, being judged as normal people.

The U.S government hates rap music