Chris Rock Quotes

Artistically I'm curious. But in life? No. I can go to a restaurant and order the same thing for 10 years.

Men are only as unfaithful as their options.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.

I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.

I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.

When you're making a real documentary, you shoot it and the movie happens. You don't make - this sounds corny - you don't make a documentary, a documentary makes you. It really does.

I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.

I just love New York. New York has energy, it has culture, New York is very diverse. There's not a better place in the world.

My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. Oh my God, they're $4 million in the hole.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

I pray there's a God...I know there's an Oprah.

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

George Bush hates midgets.

Hollywood's just not funny.

I'll probably pay more attention to the musicians in the pit than the stars because they're the closest you're going to get to normal people in the audience.

When you make drama you are like Picasso. Drama is whatever you want it to be.

It used to take years to become a junkie. But crack cut that down to 37 minutes.

I believe you got my property?

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

I see as white people finding loopholes in the slavery laws.

You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

When people try to read between the lines - critics, they have a job. Their job is to make something bigger than it is.

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

No matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from, if you go, 'Hey, man, women are crazy,' you've got a friend.

See, the Black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to.

Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year, and the coldest-just in case we want to have a parade

I think anybody in front of a crowd is a comedian.

A comedian has to live in his head. All this comedy comes from a lonely place. When you're surrounded by an entourage, you're not living in your head.

Black comics, they only watch Black comedians. You're a comedian; you're not just a Black comedian. You're a comedian. I try to get that through to everybody.

When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager... Boy, was I wrong!

The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.

Women need food, water, and complimentsThat's right.And an occasional pair of shoes.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.

I love being famous. It's almost like being white.

President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen.

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.