Christopher Titus Quotes
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.
My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."