Craig Ferguson Quotes

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell.

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.

My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet.

Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks.

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.

It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.

The Universe is very, very big.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I'm glad the PC police haven't made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis.

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell.