Dana Gould Quotes

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.