Dana Gould Quotes
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.