Daniel Tosh Quotes

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.