Darynda Jones Quotes

I have three words for you," EMT Guy said. "Possible internal bleeding." I turned back to him. "Don't you think if I was bleeding internally, I'd know somewhere deep inside? Like, internally?

That's my entire weekend. I had plans" "A Vampire Dairies marathon is not plans." She looked at me like I lost my mind. "Have you even seen the Salvatore brothers? Holy mother of gingersnaps.

My plans often went awry. Much like my thoughts. Hold the phones. Maybe Saan had ADD, too. It would explain a lot.

Is it just me or does the fact that you live in the same building you were abducted into seem a bit morbid?" "Pffft. It’s just you," I said, discounting the entire bizarre ghoulish thing.

Does Uncle Bob have anything?" "I heard he has an STD." "I mean on the women." "Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.

Okay, I'll strip. I'll tap dance. I'll sing 'La Cucaracha' in C minor.

I knew dating the son of Satan would turn out badly

I should’ve known the day was going to turn out bad when it started with my father trying to kill me

Who is Dr. A. von Holstein? And is he related, by chance, to a race of cows?

He said you sparkle like a newborn galaxy and have more attitude than a rich kid with his daddy's Porsche.

Man, that woman was quick when she wanted to be. But put her behind the wheel of a Buick.

Dude,” I said, leaning over the desk, “I’m about as psychic as a carrot.

I was white. Chalk had more color than I did. And quite possibly more personality.

Yeah, but what happens if life hands me pickles? - Bumper sticker

A split second later, my life flashed before my eyes, and I came to one important conclusion about it. It was fun while it lasted.

You do have a tendency to severe spinal cords." "Only for you.

I'm a virgin. But this is an old shirt. --T-SHIRT

While I was busy reminiscing about my first day on earth, I had forgotten that I was falling to my death. Damned ADD.

Charley: If you‘re not going to tell me where you are, if you‘re not going to trust me to help you, then why are you here? Why bother? Reyes: Because you‘re the reason I breathe.

Hey, boss. Where are you?” she asked. “I just picked up something to eat. What about professional belly dancers?” “Um, I don’t know, maybe with horseradish.

Dead people I could handle. They were usually beyond hysteria. This was the people-left behind part. The hard part.

She didn't smile back. Not even a little. I totally needed to read that book on how to win friends and influence people. But that would involve an innate desire to win friends and influence people.

You’re just using me for my body.” “You don’t have a body,” I’d remind him. “Throw that in my face.” “Technically, you don’t have a face either.

In Cookie's defense, it was raining wildcats and rabid dogs.

After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”“You do have that effect on people.

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way."It's three thirty in the morning.""Okay. Want coffee?

I do not, " I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.- Charley Davidson

You totally need to watch the news.""Can't.""Why?""It's too depressing.""Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.

Nobody wants to look like a fool. Nine times out of ten, thatreason alone keeps people from allowing themselves to believe.

When life hands you lemons say, "Lemons? What else have you got?"- bumper sticker

There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.

Have you slept yet?''Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.''Didn't you drive there?''Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.'- Charley & Cookie

Does Uncle Bob have anything?""I heard he has an STD.""I mean on the women.""Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.

If he didn't hate me so much and he wasn't an evil supernatural being, I'd be on him like black on Cookie's toast.That woman could not make toast.

Why do you suppose I’m here?” I asked him. Angel. A thirteen-year-old departed gangbanger. “Just ’cause you’re supposed to be, I guess.

He turned the corner and flipped me off at the same time. See? Men could multitask. I was so proud of him.

That took balls.""Please, " I said with a snort, "that took ovaries. Of which I have two.

You just seem so sad, ” I said, dialing voice mail. “Like someone stole your favorite nine millimeter.”“I’m not sad.” He started down the hall, then turned back. “Least not when I look at you.”.

The woman eyed Ubie a moment before grabbing a pen and writing down the dates I had. Ubie eyed her back. Sparks flew.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT

I am a huge believer in revelations and fun twists.

Keep Reading.Keep Writing.Keep Pushing yourself!And never stop learning!We writerly types have to stick together mostly because everybody else thinks we're "weird".

You do have a tendency to severe spinal cords.""Only for you.

A lot of people are alive because I shed too much hair to get away with murder.

Never wait for your muse. Train him/her to show up to work when you do by pushing on. It's a dominant submission thing.

You know?” he asked.“Yes. I know what I am.”“You – you do?”“I’m a time traveler.

I am apparently the complete opposite of a sociopath. (Seriously. I took a test.) WHEW! ‪#‎dodgedabullet‬

Developing your voice takes... time and practice.