Dave Attell Quotes

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!

I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I have no grand scheme.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.