Dave Barry Quotes

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

When I read that I had to go to Gettysburg.

I don't want to dis anybody, but someone like Robert Parker. I first read a Spenser book maybe 20 years ago and then read every one that came out. I did that with Tony Hillerman too.

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.

Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.

I walked out of the movie "Lincoln" and bought the book [of Doris Kearns Goodwin] at the bookstore next door.

Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.

I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

People - just weird people are attracted to Miami. And they come there not for serious reasons, usually.

Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

When I was a kid, I thought history was the most boring subject of all. I shouldn't blame my teachers; I should blame me, but I'll blame them.

People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.

Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.

Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.

Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.

If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.

He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

Someone was tapping on the window.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.

People don't like it when you make fun of a celebrity. When you make fun of a celebrity, you'll hear from really loyal fans of that celebrity.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?

I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit. I say that as a parent.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.

If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.

Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys.

Smee! Raise the Ladies!

What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.

Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.

There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.

The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.

I'm not sure you can count as history, was Keith Richards's "Life," which he so modestly titled it. I did find it a fascinating book. Keith's a pretty honest fellow.

If you tell most people what libertarians think, they immediately assume that you cannot mean it all the way, that you're really just taking a position for argument's sake.

When you say you don't think we should have public schools, they can't believe you mean that. You must mean that they should be smaller. But you can't really mean no public schools.

Oh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.

Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?"This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these people win the Cold War?