Dave Barry Quotes

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp.

On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear.

I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten lava had to be carried down the mountainside, bucket by bucket, and poured over the sleeping villagers. This took time.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'

In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

My mother told me, “Son, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I have tried very hard to heed those words.

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.