Dave Barry Quotes
In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.
There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
With humor you have so many options with topics and length, I mean I can write humor essays in books now and they can be as long as I want them to be.
It's a real smug self-righteous punk kid saying nobody has the right to tell him what to do and how dare you put a sign up saying that I can't go on your property?
RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.
England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.
We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.
It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.
Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development.
Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.
One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's "Team of Rivals." I was the only person in the US who hadn't read it.
Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
We kids feared many things in those days - werewolves, dentists, North Koreans, Sunday School - but they all paled in comparison with Brussels sprouts.
Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.
There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling "HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?"
Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.
When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal".
Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)
Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.
Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.
There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars.
This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.
We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.
If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.
I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think most people who use it know better, so I kind of enjoy it.
I tell people view the federal government as a source of entertainment. It's a lot easier.
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.