Dave Barry Quotes

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.

Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.

Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy

Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land." (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things.

I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think most people who use it know better, so I kind of enjoy it.

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.

Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales.

This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan.

Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.

[There is] a breed of fashion models

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

Your friends love you anyway.

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences.

But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth- of the books I'd probably love if I ever got to them.

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.

It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.

The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.

What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial".

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus, and if the baby punches it, it's a boy.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

I don't have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it's stupid - which is the one perspective that's almost completely lacking in Washington.