Dave Barry Quotes

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.

Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers.

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America.

We should call editorials what they are: columns written by committees.

I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.

Be advised that there is no parking in Europe.

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.

normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't get peanut butter on sheets.

Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.

You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a

I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.

The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth.

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story as though it were a movie.

I read the whole Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. They don't take long.

I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.

There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.

There's tremendous pressure, if you're in that [goverment] system, to be involved and be interested and to care about it. There's no room to say, "This is stupid."

Generally the pythons are better than anything else at killing.

I read a lot of lot non-demanding fiction.

Most recently I read Michael Lewis "Boomerang." The other guy I love is Bill Bryson.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

I think I became funny because I grew up in the Bronx. I was small and weak and Jewish instead of large and fierce and Puerto Rican. You need something.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.

You and Teacher,” said Molly. “Yes,” said Peter. “She’s very clever. You’ll like her.” “I’m sure,” said Molly.

The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.

Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.

I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called 'A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.

Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.

When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes.

I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you're in the closet if you don't go around talking about it.

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.