Dave Barry Quotes

Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis.

I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.

I report as a machine; I write as a person. That clear dichotomy softens the transition.

It's very slow for me to create humor. It takes me a long time to write a humor piece. It takes days.

I read "Remembrance of Things Past" in the original French. I never start the day without reading me some [Marcel] Proust.

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.

I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader.

Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot.

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated.

The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.

If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes.

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts.

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!

Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

Editorials are written by people who have agreed to have several strong opinions a day and to write them down, provided they do not have to sign their names.

I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie.

Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.

Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.

Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.

The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use.

Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas")

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

You have to be careful on the deck, because of the "hatches," which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates.

My current computer, in addition to 'DOS,' has 'Windows,' which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to thwart those users who are somehow able to get past DOS.

No man had ever knocked little Richard down. But of course Ammm was not a man.

His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.

The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people.

There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump—an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat.

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.

The fact that Gene Weingarten and I and Bathroom Inventory are now part of some kind of Matrix of Poop strongly suggests that the Pulitzer is not what it once was.

Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.

There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane."

A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.

Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.