Dave Barry Quotes

Land!” shouted Thomas. “Is there food?” asked Tubby Ted.

The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives.

The older I get and the more fiction I write, the more I outline, the more I think about plot before I dive in and plunge too far.

We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space.

UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.

This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.

The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.

Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can't seem to locate the deodorant, huh?

Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.

What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight.

Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.

I'm one of those people who tells my wife, "No coaching from the sidelines."

I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.

Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?

France: As a professional journalist, I like the idea of a society where it is considered an acceptable occupation to basically sit around and drink.

In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.

[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.

Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk.

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property.

There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.

When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.

Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.

Seriously? You won’t help me?” “Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.

As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.

Stache’s attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics—and a big piece if luck.

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.

In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . .

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

The great thing about golf - and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it - you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.