David Cross Quotes

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

I'm concerned about organized religion getting away with what it gets away with.

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.

There's the disingenuous duplicitousness, but you can apply that to every politician, really.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.

I do not want to encourage heckling and outbreaks at all.

I know Dave [Attel] and we're friendly, and I have nothing but respect for him.

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics.

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but your baby is fking boring.'

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.

That's what social media is, that's what Twitter is, that's what Facebook posts are. It's just really anti-intellectual.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.

Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset. Even when I was doing open mics, I've always had people upset. I've never been the consummate crowd-pleaser.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.

[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

I don't mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.

If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that's not only their right but almost their obligation.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.